Hello my wonderful friends. I love to write (and type). I have been writing in a journal since I was introduced to it by a 6th grade teacher who "made" us do it for a grade. I found writing down my thoughts, the things we did, my life would relieve stress. I have done it ever since. Sadly, most of my journals from my childhood have been lost due to moving around a lot. I still have the ones from my adulthood though. They are organized in volumes and are proudly displayed on a shelf in my room. My words, the good, the bad, the ugly are hidden inside their covers to be read when my children or even grandchildren are old enough to do so.
Anyway, I got a little off subject there. Last night I was compelled to write. Not in my journal. My mind had something important to say but I wasn't sure what it was yet. I wanted to write! I grabbed my paper and pen last night and the words flew out of me without thought. I was surprised how easily it was. So, for you, my bloggy friends, here are my words:
Just one year ago my life was alot different than it is today. Then, my world was small. It consisted of my home and certain parts of my town. I suffered from anxiety and panic attacks and depression for seven years. I spent a year in my room in my bed. I didn't care about life; I didn't care about myself, my husband, my children. I felt lost; lost inside myself. I was dead. I felt nothing but sadness. I was wandering through the dark. I prayed, I screamed, I cried, I missed out on so many things. I can't remember key parts of my kid's lives.
What I do remember from that time, I don't want to remember. I was mean. I yelled, screamed. I said and did things that hurt my family. My poor kids, my poor husband. They thought I hated them. I didn't though. I wanted the anxiety, the panic attacks, the depression to end. I felt useless, ugly, stupid, weak, worthless. One night I stood in my kitchen with a handful of my husband's blood pressure pills. I knew if I took them a little pill at a time my heart would eventually stop beating. I wanted my darkness to end. I knew I shouldn't take the pills. My husband will be left with our kids. He couldn't cook much, the kids wouldn't eat well, hamburgers and hot dogs couldn't sustain their growing bodies. With that thought and a sigh, I put the pills back in the bottle and went to bed. I had to be there for my kids but I couldn't climb out of that pit. It was too deep, too dark. I felt useless. I felt helpless. I didn't know what to do.
Then one day just a few years ago something clicked. I had to get better. I had to find me again. I had to take care of my kids, of my husband, of my house, and of my life. I had to live life, not let it pass me by. I had to get out of that house.
I began to get out of bed. The darkness became less inky. I started taking care of my kids, the darkness was less, taking care of the house. Then we bought a house and moved.
I could see very dim light instead of darkness. I took care of my new house, began to mend the relationships with my children and my husband. Things got better and better. I started leaving the house and going farther from it without panic and anxiety. Even to go to the grocery store just five blocks away was a huge milestone for me. I was starting to live again. The darkness was just stormy sky dark. Then, I began to take care of myself. I studied myself. I found out what I liked, my values, I learned who I was again. I started taking care of my health, my body, my mind. I fell in love with my husband again. I am getting to know him again. I am getting to know my children. Those amazing beings I love so much and God blessed me with. I started to love me. The darkness began lifting quicker. I found God again. I have witnessed His miracles. I see sunny skies. Life is great. My hubby, my kids, and I are living. The darkness is gone!!!! The pit has been filled in so I cannot fall back in again. I am ME. I am living life again. I am truly happy.
Friends, I feel my soul had to say these things. Sadly, the bad things are true. I did some unimaginable things during my darkness. I was so mean and cruel to my kids I begged my husband to leave me to myself and spare them from me. I hate admitting this but it is true.
I have to say now things are a lot different. I rarely yell or anything. I am mellow. If I feel I am getting upset, I take a time out in my room or in my garden. I rarely have bad sad days anymore. Grey skies throw me off a bit but nothing like I felt then! I am nearly always sunny and happy and content. I honestly felt dead then. I would have anxiety attacks just leaving my bedroom. I couldn't even go to my kids school.
Now I go wherever I want, I do what I want, when I want. I take care of business I would say :)
I am going to end this blog entry with this: No matter what you go through in life, it will get better! It took seven years for me to go from dead to living again. I have some "nerves" in some situations but as far as anxiety, it is gone. If there is anyone out there who is suffering from anything like this or has suffered from it, let me know, leave me a comment. I am here to share with the world. To help people.
Until next time y'all....be blessed.